“Soooo, how are you sleeping??”
“OMG, congrats on the new addition! Soooo, how are you sleeping??” - Everyone
“I’m barely sleeping at all and I feel like death. Thanks so much for asking” - New parents
As parents to a new baby, we’ve had sleep (or lack of sleep) on the mind lately. Even though this is our second time around, having a new baby in the house still hits really hard.
Newborns are lovable eating, sleeping and pooping machines..but, early on, they may need something - a boob, a bottle, a diaper change, snuggles, etc - every 2-3 hours around the clock… leaving parents/caregivers with fragmented, low quality sleep… which can leave everyone involved feeling pretty retched (i.e. tired, moody, etc).
If it wasn’t hard enough to keep a miniature human alive and figure out when it’s ok for their poop to be black, green and/or mustard yellow (this is the stage we’re currently in) while balancing relationships, personal health, and other responsibilities - it’s even harder to do that when it feels like your body is running on empty.
Some good news
Despite the serious downsides to chronic periods of sleep deprivation, I’m here to tell you that
a) although you might “feel like death” in this stage, you’re not going to die (unless you drive while deliriously tired… seriously, don’t do it. Your reaction time sucks when you’re tired). You can/will recover from this stage.
b) there are steps you can take to feel better (more energy, less moody, better concentration) right now.
Here are a few actionable tips for the times in life when your sleep schedule is jacked up and there’s not much that can be done about it.
Breath in, breathe ouuuut
There’s nothing worse than finally getting the little one down at night but not being able to get yourself down. Specific breath work exercises can aid the transition from wakefulness to sleep and is an important skill for anyone to master.
A simple practice to slow down your brain/body to prep for sleep is to practice ratio breathing.
The basics - aim for an exhale that is twice as long as your inhale. This could mean a 2 second inhale (through the nose) and a four second exhale (through the mouth). Or, 3 seconds in, 6 seconds out. You get the idea. Repeat this process for 5 minutes, or as long as needed.
I like to visualize the actual number in my head as I’m counting as a way to stay focused.
If breathing exercises aren’t your thing, free apps like InsightTimer have a ton of other options like sleep music, sleep stories and/or guided meditations to aid with the process of falling asleep www.insighttimer.com
Napping
You’ve heard it before, “sleep when the baby sleeps”. BUT… in our rush to be a super parent, we might feel compelled to use that time to catch up on laundry, dishes, answer emails or to exercise. I get it, but…you can’t pour from an empty cup and this might just be one of those times in life where your house and your email inbox are a shit show. I promise you it’s ok, it really is. Napping can reduce fatigue, improve alertness and mood so if this is an option for you, just do it.
Timing matters - you’ll want to limit naps after 3PMish (late naps might be sabotaging the build up of adenosine in your brain, which is something that helps us fall asleep at night. For more on the science of this, reference the podcast linked below).
Not a good napper? Try the next tip instead.
Yoga Nidra or non-sleep deep rest (NSDR)
Yoga Nidra is not the typical movement-based practice that many associate with yoga. During a Yoga Nidra session, which can range from 10-60 minutes, one follows along to a body-based, guided meditation aimed at achieving a state of relaxation/restoration that mimics deep sleep… but while still awake. Here’s a 10-minute version - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0u9GST_j3s
Non-sleep deep rest(NSDR) is basically the same thing sans the yogic language. You’ll get similar restorative results with both, so choose the one that feels right for you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pL02HRFk2vo
Let there be light
the basics of this are pretty simple - get light in your eyes when you want to be awake and aim for darkness when you want to be sleepy. Generally, this means getting sun in your eyes when you get up in the morning and blocking light exposure at night when you need to prep for sleep. It’s especially important to avoid artificial light exposure between midnight and 4AM.
If baby needs to eat or to have a diaper changed it’s ok to have some dim lights on, but aim for lights that are set lower in your room, not an overhead light.
Fuel and Nourish
This may seem obvious, but you have to actually eat if you expect to have the energy, focus, attention required for parenting. When we’re stressed and/or sleep deprived we often put ourselves on the back burner and can forget to fuel our bodies and brains. See Heather’s blog for fueling and nourishment strategies for new parents - https://www.backbayhealth.com/blog/ylb1exaxiv28h4rl34dtgn0u0efuhx
Coffee and booze
I get it, you NEED coffee in the AM to make up for the poor sleep and you NEED that glass of wine to wind down after a long day. I’m not going to tell you to strictly avoid either of these so you can relax..but having some guidelines around consumption should be helpful
Both caffeine and alcohol hang out in our body for a long time (give or take 8+ hours) and are well established disruptors to our sleep quality and quantity. Try to limit these to the early parts of the day so your body has time to process each before it’s time for bed. Ending either by noon time would be a good idea (yes, this means that I’m advocating responsible day drinking). There’s a lot of variation for how these substances are processed by individuals but some trial and error can help you figure out what specific time is best for you (I make sure to stop coffee at 1P).
It takes a village
If you’re fortunate enough to have family or social support - lean in. We’re all amateurs at parenting and no one (literally no one) can show up as the best version of themselves when sleep deprived and/or chronically stressed.
Leaning in to support also includes the willingness to reach out for professional help, if needed.
Our colleague Lucinda Gibbons is a marriage and family therapist who leads a range of classes and workshops to help with the process of becoming new parents - https://lakehousefamilies.com.
If you suspect problems with your baby, ask your Pediatrician. It doesn’t make you a bad parent if your toddler is super fussy, colicy, or isn’t sleeping well. It might be totally normal and it might be that they’re experiencing something uncomfortable in their body… either way, your Pediatrician should help you sort it out.
Our crew here at BBH can help with any:
Aches, pains, body tension, or fatigue you might be experiencing
Finding the right balance between sleep, exercise, nutrition and lifestyle
Moms/caregivers interested in resuming physical activity after having a baby
The new parent life and related sleep deprivation is tough. I won’t promise that the above tips will prevent you from ripping your partner’s head off during this stage of life, but they will definitely put you in a position for this stage to suck a little less.
Congrats on the new addition! You got this!
Our sweet little Margot taking a rest
Sleep Podcast - listen to renowned sleep expert and author of Why We Sleep, Matthew Walker PhD, and neuroscientist, Andrew Huberman PhD, cover all things sleep - https://hubermanlab.libsyn.com/dr-matthew-walker-the-science-practice-of-perfecting-your-sleep-episode-31
